An article for Pen-Chant Magazine and the Malayalee Association of Tampa.

Where did daring go? Whether a childhood game (‘I double dog dare you!’) or the character trait of an adventurous spirit, daring used to be something that people valued.

Today, daring is something many of us avoid in the hope that someone else will take the risk. Instead of one child daring another to climb a tree outside, both children sit indoors entertained by their parent’s tablet. Instead of one adolescent daring to stand up to a bully, that same adolescent bottles their frustration and seeks comfort in a virtual gaming world. Instead of daring to seek fulfilling work, career professionals drown dissatisfying work-lives in reality TV, social media memes and even substance abuse. It is important to remember that risk, rather than compliance, is what brings reward.

Our history and our future are written by those who dare to dare; the daring few who challenge the status quo with new ideas that carry the power to change paradigms. Civil rights, women’s suffrage, child labor laws and international human rights are incredible achievements owed to those who dared to challenge the norm at a time when no one else would. Personal computers, cellular phones, mobile internet and virtual reality exist today because of those who dared to believe science fiction could be made real.

I am a parent. And like many parents, I feel the pressure to protect and support my children. I feel a responsibility to mold them into contributing members of society. But the truth is that my understanding of society is limited to the present, and getting older by the minute. If I form my child to fit the world of today, then they will never be able to shape the world of tomorrow. If I am an example of compliance and conformity, then my children will learn to value compromise over courage. Like all parents, I have infinite faith in my children’s future. But the only way to give them confidence in their own future is to demonstrate for them the confidence I have in my own. I must dare to dare.

We no longer live in a time where information is limited. Media is unrestricted and takes advantage of freedoms that often harm as much as they help. While much of the curiosity and cause for daring can seem lost in today’s interconnected world, I would argue that the hostility, fear and anger present in our world demonstrates a unique need for daring. The world needs those who dare to dare for good; who dare to dare for knowledge; who dare to dare for freedom and courage and community. And the best way to inspire a generation of daring heroes is to be a daring example.

Our lives have been graced by those who dared to dare. If we hope to leave a better world for those who follow us, we must follow in daring footsteps. There is incredible potential for justice, innovation, community and technology still ahead of us. What we consider to be fiction and fantasy can become real if the right people dare to make it so. And it falls to each of us to inspire and cultivate brave, new generations that dare to dare.

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A woman stood in front of me yesterday and said, “I want to quit school. What can you say to keep me in school?”

I told her that quitting is always an option, and it is a popular option. And when things get difficult and we get tired, the option to quit becomes even more appealing. But those who persevere through doubt become the hope for others. And hope can stand out.

I told her that something once inspired her to go to school, and that the ambition to finish is still inside her. When we quit, ambition does not go away. Instead, we leave it in darkness and look away. But ambition is like a light. And light can stand out.

The oceans are full of boats that travel near and far. And when night falls or storm clouds darken the sky, sailors seek a light on the shore to guide them home; to bring them hope. Each of us has the option to be the lighthouse that guides others or be the boat lost at sea. We all have the option to quit. We also have the option to stand out.

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This week reminded me of a post I wrote back in January 2017 – Celebrate the Victories. My week was packed with new baby challenges, grad school finals, public speaking engagements and the routine joys of a day job. By the grace of a loving wife and good fortune, I have a few minutes to write this post before settling in for a weekend with the family and the start of a new graduate school semester.

It is easy to become overwhelmed by our desire to achieve, and to forget to celebrate the victories we have along the way. Such was the case for me this week, when I found myself stressed and panicked on Thursday afternoon, certain that I was going to fail one of the many obligations I had still ahead of me. And in that place of fear and doubt, my mind landed on the idea that even if I did fail to meet my goals this week, I had come so far already. Challenges and opportunities can equally be perceived as burdens or blessings. And when we forget to celebrate victories, we find ourselves increasingly burdened and decreasingly blessed.

While I felt buried by the opportunities facing me, afraid of failure and embarrassment, my fear lifted when I realized that the challenges I was facing were instigated by my own successes. Victories are important. They pick us up, give us perspective, and motivate us to keep persevering. Great achievements are not borne from fear and doubt but from courage and commitment. And realizing our potential and recognizing our accomplishments gives us the encouragement we need to continue forward in the face of fear.

Take stock of where you are. See what you have accomplished. And when you feel like your goals may be too far to reach, perhaps it’s time to stop looking forward and instead take a quick look back. Seeing the distance between where you were and where you are can often lift you up to where you want to be.

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Every child of the 80s knows and loves Sesame Street’s resident sugar fiend – Cookie Monster. For those without children, Cookie now goes by the name, ‘Veggie Monster’ and sings how, “A cookie is a sometimes food” instead of his classic, “C is for Cookie.” While the passing of an iconic cookie jar and endless cookie metaphors is sad, I fully support the growing movement to combat childhood obesity and type II diabetes. But whether its cookies or veggies, the fact still remains that monsters are out there who want to eat and eat and eat. And for anyone pursuing their goals, we must be wary of those monsters that eat up our time.

There seems to be a trend among bloggers to give practical tips on how to do things; a plethora of digital ‘How to’ manuals floating endlessly on the internet. In an effort to better serve the Me.Now. community, I offer this week’s post in ‘How to’ form. Please leave your feedback in the comments section below so I can understand if this is a format you enjoy! Without further ado, I present:

“How to avoid predatory priorities with 3 easy questions”

A predatory priority, also known as a ‘time suck,’ ‘succubus,’ ‘waste of time,’ ‘fool’s errand,’ ‘red herring,’ or ‘snipe hunt’ is a false priority that consumes time without providing any return for the effort. I call it a false priority because, had we recognized the predator for what it was in the beginning, we never would have given it our time and attention. Instead we have been captured by it – snared in its teeth and mauled by its constant churn. While hindsight is 20/20 and we know the trap when we are in it, experience as prey does not necessarily equate to prevention. I therefore offer the following questions as a checklist that we can use before committing to new activities, new relationships, or new projects. By asking ourselves the following questions and answering them honestly, we can recognize predatory priorities and escape them before they strike!

Question 1: Will this act/relationship/project bring me closer to my goals? Too often we answer this question with, “It can’t hurt to try!” And even after we learn that YES – it can absolutely hurt to try – we still find ourselves answering the same way again and again. If we want to avoid a predator, we first have to open our eyes and see it. When we lean on failed wisdom like ‘it can’t hurt to try,’ we are closing our eyes willingly and serving ourselves up for anyone or anything that wants to consume our time and resources. Instead, answer the question honestly. YES – this will bring me closer to my goals; NO – this will not bring me closer to my goals, or I DON’T KNOW – I need more information to determine Yes or No. Not knowing is a totally acceptable answer. It gives you the space to learn more without committing yourself to something you don’t understand and may not enjoy. Predatory priorities want you to commit in ignorance and feel obligated to stay even after you recognize the trap. Don’t give them the satisfaction; let them feed off someone else.

Question 2: Will this act/relationship/project introduce me to others working toward their own goals? Religious texts, cognitive research experiments, and dime-store horoscopes agree that ‘We become the company we keep.’  We’ve all seen it in our lives, usually peaking first in middle school and then again the first year of college. It happens in groups, in private, and even in public – we begin to take on the energy and the behaviors of those around us. While participating in something for entertainment purposes (a party, a multiplayer video game, a concert) can be enjoyable in the moment, we have to be careful that the moment does not turn into multiple moments that grow into a practice of being entertained. Entertainment is the worst kind of succubus and often hides itself by mimicking ‘quality time’ with others. Let me give you some examples: Facebook, Happy Hour, Night Clubs, Tailgates – while all of these things can be fun, I’m willing to bet that we do not have fun every time we participate. Even more, when our peers begin to expect our attendance, we feel pressured to keep attending. So we find ourselves spending time and resources responding to IMs we don’t care about, drinking drinks we don’t want to drink, and paying cover charges we don’t want to pay. Conversely, when you surround yourself with people working toward their own goals, you find yourself re-energized to put time and money into your own achievements and grow with the group.

Question 3: Will this act/relationship/project increase my energy or drain my energy? It’s the great family Thanksgiving Day meal question!! You know the feeling; that sinking stomach when you know that you are expected to show up, bring a dish, fake that the white meat isn’t dry, and smile your way through the over-sweetened candied yams. While family events are an easy example for this type of predator, the truth is that this scenario plays out much more often than just on holidays. We know instinctually what will energize us and what will drain us. Things that energize us are things ‘we like’ and things that drain us are usually things we ‘don’t like.’ It can feel both basic and revolutionary to abandon perceived obligations and strike out on your own. People might judge you, they might try to guilt you, they might even reject you, but that is how you catch a predator. Anytime shaming, guilting or judgment enters the game, you know you just cornered a beast. And nothing is more vicious than a cornered predator.

Keep these three questions in the toolbox; they are one possible rubric to help with day-to-day decisions. When we are courageous enough to consider these questions and answer them honestly, there is nothing that will keep us from our goals.

Predators prey on the weak by design. When we are strong, predators stay at bay. When the strong run together, we become even less appealing to possible predators. Run with us and see how far you can go.

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At my college graduation, our keynote speaker was expected to speak for over 90 minutes! The graduation was outside in late May and the 800 graduating students were in full military dress uniform: heavy wool jackets with high collars, long wool trousers, starched shirts and shirt garters. If you don’t know what a shirt garter is, consider yourself lucky. It is a piece of elastic that connects your uniform shirt to your socks and must have been invented by a Nazi party fashionista.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to pay attention to some round-bellied politician pontificating for over an hour in the heat, so I decided to take a Nintendo Gameboy to graduation with me. Since there is nowhere to carry a Gameboy in dress uniform, I built a neck strap out of shoelaces and paperclips to carry it. Not very pretty, but it worked. And when the speaker got up to give his keynote, I popped open Yoshi World and went to a happier place for a while. If you’ve ever played Yoshi World, you know it’s a terrible game. But it was better than my reality right then and there.

By all measures, video games have ruled the entertainment world for the last 20 years.

  • In 2009, Black Ops grossed 300% more than Toy Story 3
  • In 2010, Avatar and Modern Warfare 2 shared the same opening week and Modern Warfare grossed 200% more than ticket sales for Avatar
  • In 2012, when the first Avengers move came out, the sequel to Black Ops outsold the blockbuster by $403m

 But why? Why are these games so popular, and more importantly, how can we learn from their success?

The answers can be found in 1988.

The top 2 video games in 1988 belonged to one system – Nintendo. Nintendo dominated the market and its highest selling games were sequels of previous hit games: Megaman 2 and Super Mario Bros. 3. Emerging companies like Sega and Namco were trying hard to break into Nintendo’s market. They created copycats of popular Nintendo games, merged with video game producers that previously partnered with Nintendo, and otherwise worked to block existing partners from reaching Nintendo. That was the way the world worked: copy the success of others, starve the competition, compete for a limited share.

Nintendo saw the hostility of the market and decided to explore a new idea; a new game that would break every rule in the video game world. At the time, it was believed that games had to be linear – built on a set storyline where memorized patterns and repetitive practice would allow everyone to beat the game. Anyone who has played Mario Bros., Tomb Raider or Metal Gear Solid knows what linear game-play feels like. Linear games were the rage and video-game publishers wanted to be in the game, so they did whatever it took to be players.

Amid all the infighting and conflict, Nintendo released their special project – the Legend of Zelda. Zelda was the first non-linear game ever produced and to this day is considered by gaming experts to be “The greatest, most influential game of all time.”

Zelda allowed players to explore an open world. The play was non-linear, meaning every individual player had a different experience. It was the first game where players could choose how to equip their character, save their progress, and complete side-quests in addition to the primary story. This variety allowed infinite options for gamers Every time you played the experience was unique. Where other games forced you to follow a set path, Zelda allowed you to write your own story. The legend was your own.

Video games are a powerful lens from which to consider life. Many people see life as a linear game; a predictable series of events that must be completed in a certain order before you can move to the next level. And even though we know the pattern and have seen others complete the story, we are not compelled to pay attention. So instead, we turn to video games. We turn to a non-linear world where anything is possible. But there is a secret out there that nobody talks about – a game cheat that very few realize and even fewer use: Our lives can be non-linear. We can be anything we want to be. We can build our own legend.

The world we live in today is not much different from that of 1988. Businesses are copying one another and mergers outnumber innovations, fighting for a limited share. We see new examples every day: Snapchat stories become Instragram stories; Instragram Live becomes Facebook Live; Uber begets Lyft begets Gett, Juno, and a host of other rideshare apps. The game is linear – predictable, repetitive and boring. The world needs people who are willing to change the game.

I hope I don’t disappointment anyone when I say, “video games can teach us.” They teach us determination, focus, commitment. They teach us how to struggle with frustration, how to collaborate with teammates, how to persevere and overcome. Parents, I encourage you to sit next your resident gamer and see how they rise to the challenge in a non-linear virtual world. See the confidence, intelligence and problem solving skills you instilled in them come alive on the screen. You will be awe-struck if you let yourself watch. The minds that can master these games are the minds that can change our world.

You men and women are a living legacy for your families. You represent a generation of college-bound students with the opportunity to shape history. University life, like all of life, can be linear or non-linear. You can do what others have done before you and compete for a limited share, or you can opt for a different adventure, challenge yourself, and create something incredible.

We live in an open world; a world where you can choose your equipment, save your progress, find allies and fight evil. Side-quests are everywhere and boss battles lie ahead. You deserve more than simple patterns and bonus lives. Recognize the infinite possibilities that lie before you. Don’t jump from goomba to goomba, hoping for fireballs, super mushrooms or invincibility stars. Instead, explore your world, discover your potential, and build your legend.

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My dearest little man. I am so excited for you to discover the wonders of our world. Love, adventure, joy and discovery are just a few of the gifts that make life breathtaking. Of all the wishes and dreams that I carry in my heart for you, none is greater than my hope that you will live your life to its fullest.

Know that wishes and dreams can be elusive things, my love. They can seem tauntingly close and painfully distant at the same time. They can lift us up or break our spirits with equal ease. For many, the evasive nature of dreams can cause pain too great to bear. Others tire of the chase and accept a lesser prize, unsettled and forever caged by curiosity about what might have been. But those that can persevere through doubt, fear and uncertainty are a rare and special thing. Find those few, surround yourself with them, share life together and you will never lack the courage to keep seeking.

Each of us encounters obstacles in our journey; people, resources, even knowledge. While some hurdles can be overtaken gracefully, others may seem woefully daunting. Resources and knowledge are the simplest to overcome; they are commodities that can be grown, traded and shared if ever you are lacking. People, however, pose the most challenging obstruction to navigate. In moments when you find yourself overwhelmed by relationships, sentiments, or social expectations, always remember that people are meant to encourage one another. Those that offer shame, hate, anger or derision in place of encouragement walk a different path than yours. Trust yourself to prevail against all barriers and you will. Take heart that you will find the way and lead others along with you.

I hope to grow old with you, my boy. I hope to share in your journey and see you impact the world for good in ways that I cannot imagine. I hope to be the encouraging voice that supports your dreams and emboldens you to pursue greatness. And in the moments when I am the obstacle, I ask that you remind me of my great wish for you. And I ask that you take heart, find the way, and lead me along with you.

I will love you always – Daddy

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In the multiverse of possible life-streams I could have lived or could be living even now, I am certain that Law is the bane of my existence in all of them. Law is about passing subjective judgments based on partial inputs managed by a process open to interpretation by experts who disagree. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that Desperate Housewives and Survivor follow the same methodology.

Judgment does little to improve our society. If anything, it demonstrates its own uselessness through a lack of productive output. And yet even though we hate the feeling of being judged, we often let the opinion of others define our sense of personal value.

We all know the cycle. First we seek our parents’ approval, then our teachers’ approval, then our friends’ approval and so on until we convince ourselves that the approval of others is the chief objective in life. Because we carry decades of approval-based life experience, we learn to proactively fear negative judgments from our employers, partners and peers. Our fears begin to drive our actions and we quickly find ourselves doing what we think we must instead of doing what we know we must. It can be hard to maintain hope in those moments when predatory judgments pin us down like prey.

But the funny thing about predators is that they only prey on the weak. We’ve all seen YouTube videos where the prey fight back: hippos crushing crocodiles, water buffalo goring lions, and birds pecking vipers. When prey fight back they are no longer targets; they are threats. Those who judge also prey on weakness; they seek to criticize those who will not fight back. Even worse, they ignore or reject those they judge unworthy of their time. But take heart! Power lies not with those who judge but with those who choose to ignore the judgement of others.   

There will always be those who judge and those who fear judgement. The key is knowing that there is also a third option: to do neither. Focus on what you want to build and recognize that judgment cannot keep pace with achievement. Judgement destroys but community constructs. Ignore those who judge you – let them judge. Your future lies in what you have yet to build.    

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